Winter Blues

The winter blues. I definitely have them. And, yes, I can still use that term even though it's spring out because it was snowing just a few hours ago. Despite it being less than 24 hours ago that I decided to wean breast pumping, I can feel the emotional repercussions hitting hard. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely swimming in a sea of mommy guilt. It feels selfish to stop pumping. And I'm bummed that I couldn't go the full 12 months like I had initially planned. But, damn, I want my 4 hours a day back! I literally get up between 5:30am-6:15am every morning so that I can pump 40 minutes a day. Everyone else is sleeping- sometimes for several hours longer and I'm awake and (usually) stressing over how much I have or haven't pumped. Then, I repeat the process every 3 hours. And when I have a scheduling conflict I stress about pumping before or after my normal time. Or dragging my pump in the car with me to pump there or wherever I'm going. On the weekends and evenings, Stephen frequently has to stop what he's doing so that he can watch the kids (it's hard to hold James or discipline Thomas with two cones on your chest) while I sit on the couch and pump. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and stressful (especially since I chart exactly how many mL I pump and then analyze the results).

I'm over it. This is for the best. And I need to keep telling myself this. Would I do this if we were to have a 3rd? Honestly, I'm thinking no.